Tag Archives: sasquatch

10th Post Special: The Movie Out Here

Title: The Movie Out Here
Year: 2013
Got It For: VERY Limited Theatrical Release

I’m sort of breaking my gimmick of movies I find for cheap on DVD and Blu-Ray for this one, but I’m still going to count it because it will more than likely be given out with cases of Kokanee beer in the next few months. You see, about a year and a half ago, British Columbia based beer label Kokanee got this idea to hold a contest in which the winners would appear in an actual feature film loosley based around their Kokanee Ranger TV spots. The ads had been running for a few years at this point, and were based around a mountain/park ranger attempting to track down an apparently alcoholic Sasquatch who breaks into cabins to steal cases of Kokanee beer. I don’t even remember what the exact details of the contest were (or if said details were ever mentioned in the commercials). But sure enough, the film got a theatrical release in Western Canadian Cineplex theatres and…well…this is the result.

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Keep in mind, I work at a Cineplex theatre to help pay for my everyday expenses as a university student, and one of the perks is getting movie tickets for a small charitable donation through the company. Maybe 40 people had seen it at my theatre in the three days it was out, 25 of them being one of the actors or contest winners and his friends. Seeing as how terrible this 90 minute long beer commercial looked, I managed to convince a friend at work to see The Movie Out Here as a lark and a good time at a terrible movie. We ended up being the only two people at the screening.

So the movie starts with a little old lady watching Reel Zombies on an old TV. Suddenly, she is aware that she is being watched…BY SASQUATCH! Sasquatch smashes through her window, and naturally granny runs to the door, opens it, and sees Sasquatch standing there. So she promptly kicks him in the nutsack. And if you like nut shots, you’re in luck as there are about 20 more scattered throughout the film. Anyway, this begins the first of 867,984,767 subplots this movie manages to cram into its runtime. After the animated opening credit sequence, we meet our actual main character, Adam. Adam works at a Toronto law firm (or something like that) with a fat guy and a horrifically foul mouthed female boss who follows her male employees into the washroom and comments on their genetalia. Um, where the HELL is HR on this one? The boss tells the fat guy that he has to go to Fernie, BC to file some paperwork about zoning and development for one of the firm’s clients, a big corporation called MegaDeuce whose CEO eats panda brains. No, I’m not kidding, that actually happens in a scene. Fernie happens to be Adam’s hometown, so when the fat guy has a heart attack on the toilet and can’t go, it’s up to Adam to do the job. Oh, and of course when Adam tries to help out Fat Guy, he ends up with an unconcious farting Fat Guy on top of him with his poop stained ass in his face. And if you enjoy staring at people’s bare posteriors, you’re in luck because…well, you get my drift.

So Adam hops on a plane to Fernie and, after being sprayed in the face with breast milk thanks to a woman and her baby seated beside him, runs into a few of his old hometown friends and enemies. One of his friends runs some sort of…hair removal junk shop store, or something, and is $20,000 in debt because he spends all his money on some fake “spiritual advisor.” And wouldn’t you know it, the zoning papers Adam just filed are about to result in the demolition and displacement of his friend’s business. Naturally, the only way to save the business is to spend thousands of dollars on Kokanee beer and throw a drunken party.

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The rest of the movie essentially consists of Adam and his two friends atttempting to find beer while the MegaDueceCEO and his two bully sons (who happen to live in Fernie as well, for a small town in the middle of nowhere, there sure are a lot of important people around). There’s plenty of tasteless and somewhat sickening scenes, and for a movie funded entirely by a beer company with a bunch of cameos from Canadian athletes and musicians (rapper Snow’s appearance leads to the only genuinely funny scene in the movie), the company sure doesn’t look very good in this film. After a scene in which Kokanee loses track of one of their trucks shipping beer to Fernie, my friend remarked that “they can’t keep track of their shit.” So if you’re in the mood for a disgusting “comedy” with B-plots about mountain rangers named “Glacier” and “Fresh” (JUST LIKE KOKANEE’S SLOGAN LOL) this one’s for you.

Oh, and the movie ends on a hilarious note about Sasquatch raping one of the main characters. Thanks Kokanee! Stuff like this is why I don’t drink.

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The Capture of Bigfoot

Title: The Capture of Bigfoot

Year: 1979

Got It For: $3.33

 When Bill Rebane made a movie, he made it a family affair, as evidenced by the credits for 1979’s “the Capture of Bigfoot.” The end scroll hardly had a line go by without a crew member‘s surname being  Rebane, and if it wasn’t Rebane then the person likely shared their name with at least one other person responsible for bringing us this snow covered gem. It seems that in the late ‘70’s there was a big Sasquatch/Yeti/Arak (the native name given to the legendary creature in this feature) fad going on, as this is one of long line of low-budget Bigfoot movies that hit the silver screen in that time period.

Whatcha gonna do, brother, when Arakamania and these 24 inch pythons run wild on you!

And oh boy, what a movie this is. We get our first full shot of Arak in the opening scene, foregoing any attempt to build atmosphere or tension through the wait to see what our monster looks like. See, some business man operating out of some backwoods ski resort in…uh…Place, USA, is obsessed with hunting down the legendary creature, and has hired a number of trappers to help him in his quest for surefire fame and fortune. Unfortunately for the trappers, the Arak they capture is merely a youngin’ and soon a full grown ape man appears to take them out. With a mighty sound that is not at all similar to some guy just yelling “BLLLEEEEUUGHGHGHGHGH!!!!” as he jumps out from behind a tree, Bigfoot grabs one trapper, turns him into floppy dummy, and tosses him face first into the snowbank before sending his partner home with fatal face wounds. As the park ranger and local Sherriff start to figure out what’s going on, the business man spirals into a blind murderous fury as everyone races to get their hands on Arak.

 

The first thirty minutes of this picture will have you laughing until your eyes bulge out of their sockets. The monster costumes, while not horrible in a technical sense (honestly the Bigfoot masks look pretty good) are still dopey looking and make it awkward for the actor to walk around in the snow. However, it starts to lose steam about halfway through. We’ve been given the payoff reveal of the monster in the first scene, so watching people traipse through the wood – often falling flat on their face in the snow- and arguing over the creature’s legitimacy starts to get boring pretty quickly. Still, this movie contains so many hilarious shots and sounds that a couple of screenshots can’t possibly hope to capture the magic. Highlights of the film include:

  •  A kid who sounds like Rocky the flying squirrel
  • High flying snowmobile accidents
  • Rodeo clowns at a ski racing event
  • A terrible band playing terrible music with terrible lyrics at a terrible dance party at the lodge
  • Boxes labeled “Explosives” left near burning welding torches
  • A car chase with one jump onto another car’s roof, one rollover, one explosion, and one hit-and-run

If you’re a fan of Bigfoot or poorly acted monster films in general, I say give this one a shot if you find it lying around somewhere.

 

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