Title: The Movie Out Here
Got It For: VERY Limited Theatrical Release
I’m sort of breaking my gimmick of movies I find for cheap on DVD and Blu-Ray for this one, but I’m still going to count it because it will more than likely be given out with cases of Kokanee beer in the next few months. You see, about a year and a half ago, British Columbia based beer label Kokanee got this idea to hold a contest in which the winners would appear in an actual feature film loosley based around their Kokanee Ranger TV spots. The ads had been running for a few years at this point, and were based around a mountain/park ranger attempting to track down an apparently alcoholic Sasquatch who breaks into cabins to steal cases of Kokanee beer. I don’t even remember what the exact details of the contest were (or if said details were ever mentioned in the commercials). But sure enough, the film got a theatrical release in Western Canadian Cineplex theatres and…well…this is the result.
Keep in mind, I work at a Cineplex theatre to help pay for my everyday expenses as a university student, and one of the perks is getting movie tickets for a small charitable donation through the company. Maybe 40 people had seen it at my theatre in the three days it was out, 25 of them being one of the actors or contest winners and his friends. Seeing as how terrible this 90 minute long beer commercial looked, I managed to convince a friend at work to see The Movie Out Here as a lark and a good time at a terrible movie. We ended up being the only two people at the screening.
So the movie starts with a little old lady watching Reel Zombies on an old TV. Suddenly, she is aware that she is being watched…BY SASQUATCH! Sasquatch smashes through her window, and naturally granny runs to the door, opens it, and sees Sasquatch standing there. So she promptly kicks him in the nutsack. And if you like nut shots, you’re in luck as there are about 20 more scattered throughout the film. Anyway, this begins the first of 867,984,767 subplots this movie manages to cram into its runtime. After the animated opening credit sequence, we meet our actual main character, Adam. Adam works at a Toronto law firm (or something like that) with a fat guy and a horrifically foul mouthed female boss who follows her male employees into the washroom and comments on their genetalia. Um, where the HELL is HR on this one? The boss tells the fat guy that he has to go to Fernie, BC to file some paperwork about zoning and development for one of the firm’s clients, a big corporation called MegaDeuce whose CEO eats panda brains. No, I’m not kidding, that actually happens in a scene. Fernie happens to be Adam’s hometown, so when the fat guy has a heart attack on the toilet and can’t go, it’s up to Adam to do the job. Oh, and of course when Adam tries to help out Fat Guy, he ends up with an unconcious farting Fat Guy on top of him with his poop stained ass in his face. And if you enjoy staring at people’s bare posteriors, you’re in luck because…well, you get my drift.
So Adam hops on a plane to Fernie and, after being sprayed in the face with breast milk thanks to a woman and her baby seated beside him, runs into a few of his old hometown friends and enemies. One of his friends runs some sort of…hair removal junk shop store, or something, and is $20,000 in debt because he spends all his money on some fake “spiritual advisor.” And wouldn’t you know it, the zoning papers Adam just filed are about to result in the demolition and displacement of his friend’s business. Naturally, the only way to save the business is to spend thousands of dollars on Kokanee beer and throw a drunken party.
The rest of the movie essentially consists of Adam and his two friends atttempting to find beer while the MegaDueceCEO and his two bully sons (who happen to live in Fernie as well, for a small town in the middle of nowhere, there sure are a lot of important people around). There’s plenty of tasteless and somewhat sickening scenes, and for a movie funded entirely by a beer company with a bunch of cameos from Canadian athletes and musicians (rapper Snow’s appearance leads to the only genuinely funny scene in the movie), the company sure doesn’t look very good in this film. After a scene in which Kokanee loses track of one of their trucks shipping beer to Fernie, my friend remarked that “they can’t keep track of their shit.” So if you’re in the mood for a disgusting “comedy” with B-plots about mountain rangers named “Glacier” and “Fresh” (JUST LIKE KOKANEE’S SLOGAN LOL) this one’s for you.
Oh, and the movie ends on a hilarious note about Sasquatch raping one of the main characters. Thanks Kokanee! Stuff like this is why I don’t drink.